


Through Heaven and Hell

by Jayde_Amali



Series: Trials And Tribulations [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Post Destroy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-15
Updated: 2012-12-15
Packaged: 2017-11-21 04:15:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/593346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayde_Amali/pseuds/Jayde_Amali
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Kaidan turned his back on Caleb Shepard on Horizon, Shepard's world was destroyed. He found love again in the strangest of places through James Vega. Two and a half years after his resurrection, the Reapers have been defeated. Now Shepard and Vega are left to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through Heaven and Hell

James Vega was pissed. Shepard had left him behind to go run off with Kaidan and Garrus after that beam. He was left behind to defend the FOB. Then the fucking Savior of the Citadel had managed to barely survive a massive explosion. Yeah, the Reapers were gone, but damn it, it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Kaidan watched James pacing back and forth. "Vega, go get out of your armor and take a shower."

James stopped and turned to Kaidan. "With all due respect, Sir, I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me whether or not he's going to make it." He started pacing again.

Kaidan sighed and shook his head. "James." He stood up and planted himself in the marine's path. "They're doing everything they can. It's not going to help Caleb any if you make yourself sick here." He raised his hands pleadingly. "You have to take care of yourself too."

James clenched his jaw and curled his hands into fists. "Alenko, don't you dare tell me what to do."

Kaidan lowered his hands. "Do you honestly think you're the only one here who loves him?" He lowered his gaze, completely letting his guard down. "I'd give anything to be in your place right now, James."

That brought James up short. He stared at Kaidan for a long moment, then shook his head. "Wait. What?"

Kaidan looked up at James. "When I turned my back on him on Horizon, I lost him. I didn't know it then, but when I saw how he looked at you, I knew I'd completely lost him. He moved on. I didn't." He shook his head. "If I have to knock you out cold and get you out of your armor and into a shower, I will, soldier. Now, please, for Caleb's sake, take care of yourself right now."

James stood there, finally relaxing his hands, looking down at them. "He left me behind. I begged him not to, you know. I fucking begged. I wanted to be there, to have his back." His voice caught and he couldn't speak anymore.

Kaidan nodded. "I know. He told me." He rested a hand on James' shoulder. "Come on. I'll help."

James nodded, eyes shining with unshed tears. "Okay." He let Kaidan lead him away.

An hour later, James was back in the waiting area, clean and in his usual off duty clothes. He fingered the dog tags around his neck. He sat down and leaned back, letting his mind wander.

_Admiral Hackett had been less than pleased at Caleb's private request. James had been standing there nearby and watching. He wasn't sure that Hackett was going to grant them the one thing they wanted most._

_"Please, Admiral. Please." Caleb had resorted to near begging. James couldn't help the twitching upward of his lips. He'd seen Caleb this way before and it almost always worked. Almost._

_Hackett crossed his arms and looked at Caleb, eyes cold and stony. "Commander, I don't need to remind you of regulations. This is very much against them."_

_James couldn't help but smirk as Caleb had bristled at that. "Admiral, I don't need to remind you that I'm a Spectre. Right?"_

_Hackett was silent for a moment before shaking his head. "Commander, one of these days you're not going to have a comeback and I'll get the last word in."_

_Caleb smiled then. "I very seriously doubt that, sir."_

_Hackett looked over at James, then back to Caleb. "All right, but I have to ask, why now?"_

_Caleb shrugged. "We just want to belong to each other."_

_Hackett rubbed his chin, then nodded. "I can certainly understand that feeling right now, but you don't need to be married to do that."_

_James moved over to stand behind Caleb, slipping his arms around Caleb's chest. "We might not be alive this time tomorrow, sir. We don't want to take the chance that we won't have another opportunity come around."_

_Hackett nodded again, then relented completely. "It'll have to be quick. We have a war to win."_

James toyed with the ring on his finger, twisting it around. He was alone in the waiting area with his thoughts.

_Caleb had pulled him aside. "I don't want you going with me, Jimmy."_

_"What?" James took in a sharp breath. "No fucking way. I'm going with you."_

_Caleb shook his head. "No, Jimmy. You're not. I can't risk you. Not this time. I know you're a damned good soldier, but please, I can't lose you." He caressed James' cheek, then took his dog tags off, placing them around James' neck. "Keep these safe for me, mi amor. I'll be back for them."_

_James clasped at the tags, closing his eyes and nodding. He felt something being placed on his left ring finger and looked down at the simple gold band. "Mi corazón, I'm so sorry." He whispered as he looked up at Caleb._

_"You left it behind." Caleb smiled faintly. "I don't want you to forget who you belong to, Jimmy Vega-Shepard."_

_"Te amo, mi corazón." James whispered against Caleb's lips right before he kissed him._

And that kiss had been the last one he'd shared with Caleb before the bastard had gone and gotten himself nearly killed. He was starting to drift into another memory when Cortez showed up. "Hey, James." Steve sat down next to James and handed him a package. "Thought you might want this."

James took the package and opened it. The scent of Huevos Rancheros hit him. He smiled faintly at Cortez. " _Gracias_ , Esteban." The smile didn't touch his eyes and the words were flat.

Steve put his arm around James' shoulders. "Hey, he's going to be fine. Okay? He's a tough bastard. He's been through worse and come out okay." He rubbed James' back.

James barely nodded. He put the food aside and just leaned in against Steve. He sighed as he felt Steve's other arm around him and closed his eyes as he was held by his friend. "It's just killing me, not knowing, you know?"

Steve nodded. "Yeah, I do." James shuddered, then drew in a shaky breath. Steve squeezed James lightly. "Shh, James. It's going to be okay. I'm here if you need me."

James opened his eyes, pulled back, and looked at Steve. "I never understood why he loved me. He could have had Kaidan..." He frowned, then wiped angrily at a tear that spilled over.

Steve frowned and shook his head. "Hey, James. Who wouldn't love you? You're charming, funny, witty, have a great sense of humor, and damn, totally hot." He allowed a small smile. "If Shepard hadn't snatched you up, I probably would have."

James just stared at Steve blankly. "You mean that, Esteban?"

Steve nodded. "Yeah, I do, but listen, Shepard is going to be fine. You're going to be with him soon." He touched the ring on James' finger. "And the two of you got married. Yesterday, I might add. He's made that pretty clear. He loves you. Not Kaidan. Not me. You."

James looked at the ring, then nodded. "I keep trying to tell myself that, but what if..."

Steve put his hand over James' mouth. "No what ifs. None."

James barely nodded. "Okay," he mumbles under Steve's hand.

Steve lowered his hand. "Eat something, James. If not what I brought, then something."

James frowned. "First Kaidan, now you?"

Steve frowned as well. "What?"

James shook his head. "Kaidan threatened to knock me out and change me out of my armor and dump me in the shower if I didn't go do it on my own. It seems like everyone is more worried about me than about Caleb." He swiped another renegade tear away.

Steve rubbed James' back. "We are worried about you, James. When Shepard pulls through this, he's going to need you to be there for him. You can't do that if you make yourself sick by not taking care of yourself now."

James grumbled. "Yeah, Kaidan used that same reasoning."

Steve nodded. "And it's good reasoning. Now, eat." He points to the food.

James sighed and gave in. It may not be his grandma's, but it did smell good. Wasn't too bad either.

After ten hours of waiting, with intermitten periods of threats of being knocked unconscious if he didn't sleep, James finally got word. The head physician came to talk to him in the waiting room. He got to the word 'awake' before he tore off down the hallway. He knew he was being chased, but he didn't care.

Shepard was the only patient in the makeshift clinic in London right now. They'd set this place up specifically to treat him. When James came in, face red and gasping for breath, Shepard blinked and flinched.

James looked at Shepard and truly smiled for the first time in ten hours. His world came crashing down with four words. "Do I know you?"

Shepard tried to sit up, but was stopped by all the wires and tubes that they had hooked up to him.

James wiped angrily at the tears that started to fall freely. " _Mi corazón_ , I'm James. Your husband." He started to walk across the room, then stopped as Shepard shook his head.

"No. I don't know you. Where's Kaidan?" Shepard tried to look behind James toward the door. "Where is he?" The machines recording his vitals set off alarms. A nurse injected something into one of the tubes and Shepard slipped into unconsciousness.

James turned on the doctor that followed him in. "What the hell is going on with him?"

The doctor raised his hands. "Mr. Vega, if you'd listened..."

"That's Lieutenant Vega-Shepard, _pendejo_." James interrupted, resisting the urge to punch the doctor in the nose.

"Of course, I'm sorry. As I was saying, if you'd listened rather than run here, I'd have explained his memory loss. He doesn't remember the past two and a half years."

James knew his jaw dropped and he probably looked completely dumbfounded. He tried to talk several times before he managed to make a single word come out. "What?"

The doctor nodded slowly. "He's likely got traumatic amnesia. His memories could come back or they may not. It's also a possibility that when all the implants were, well, fried, it knocked out everything since he was brought back. His last memory was of the original Normandy being destroyed."

James looked through the door to see Shepard asleep. "So, he doesn't remember me at all?" He tried to make it a question, but it fell flat.

"No. He doesn't. When we told him his husband was here, he automatically thought it was Kaidan Alenko. We tried to explain that he was mistaken, but he didn't believe us, so we came to get you."

James nodded slowly, trying to process all the information. "I'll contact Major Alenko. He might be able to convince Caleb that things changed." He looked back at Shepard. "I won't be long. I'll be back before he wakes up."

"I don't doubt it. He'll be unconscious for a while." The doctor returned to the room to keep an eye on Shepard's vitals.

James walked down the hallway in shock. By the time he got back to the waiting lounge, he was shaking all over. He sat down and buried his face in his hands. He jumped and almost screamed as a hand was placed on his shoulder. He looked up into the face of Admiral Hackett.

"Sorry, Lieutenant." Hackett removed his hand and sat down next to James. "How is he?"

"He doesn't remember me." James couldn't stop the tremor of his voice. "He doesn't remember anything after he was brought back."

Hackett frowned and nodded. "I see." He sighed and leaned back. "Let me guess, he still thinks he's in a relationship with Major Alenko."

James looked up at Hackett, eyes wide. "Yeah. How'd you know about that?"

Hackett shook his head. "As discreet as they tried to be, it still got back to us. I knew about you and Shepard six months ago."

James was silent for a moment, then nods. "Oh." He shook his head. "I need to contact the Major. Caleb was asking for him. The doc thinks that maybe Alenko can convince Caleb that things are different now."

Hackett nodded. "Understandable, but Major Alenko is on his way to Vancouver. I'll stick around though. I'll try talking to Shepard."

James nodded and managed a small smile. " _Gracias_ , sir."

When Shepard woke up, he noticed that he wasn't alone. James was sitting in a chair, hunched over with his head on the side of the bed. His face was turned toward Shepard's, but positioned around Shepard's hip. Shepard studied the man's face, then hesitantly touched the scar on James' cheek, tracing it lightly.

James wrinkled his nose, then shifted, moving away from the light touch. His eyes didn't open, but he muttered, "careful, _mi corazón_ , that tickles." His slate grey eyes opened and he looked at Shepard, instantly becoming wary. "Caleb?"

Shepard just looked at James for a moment longer, then sighed and looked away. "I still don't remember you." He looked back at James when he felt his hand being touched.

James had placed his hand over Shepard's left hand. He cautiously picked the hand up, then showed Shepard the ring he had gotten from the doctor. "You're missing something, _mi corazón_." He moved slowly as he started to slide the ring on Shepard's finger. He felt the slight hesitation and resistance, but smiled faintly as it stopped.

Shepard was staring at the ring. He looked at James' left hand and saw the matching ring. He frowned. "These belonged to my parents. They're the only things I had of them." He looked at James, his eyes tearing up. "How did you get them?"

James was about to speak, when another voice sounded from the door. "You exchanged them two days ago, Commander."

Shepard's attention jerked toward the door. "Admiral?"

Hackett stood there for a moment before coming into the room. "I understand that you've lost two and a half years worth of memories, Shepard."

Shepard frowned. "That... that's what they're telling me. Where's Kaidan?"

Hackett noted the stiffening in James' back when Shepard inquired about Kaidan. "The Major is on his way to Vancouver."

"Major? He's a Lieutenant." Shepard shook his head, confusion showing in his eyes and on his face.

"No, he was promoted." Hackett stopped by Shepard's bedside, opposite James. "The two of you had a falling out two years ago. About a year ago, you and Lieutenant Vega-Shepard became involved. You were married two days ago."

Shepard shook his head. "No. Not possible. I'd never betray Kaidan."

Hackett frowned. "As I recall, you didn't. He walked away when you needed him most."

Shepard fell silent then, staring off at nothing. He didn't even react when James caressed his shoulder lightly.

Hackett nodded to James. "Lieutenant, I'm placing you on administrative leave for the time being."

James straightened up. "Yes, sir." He saluted, lowering his arm only after Hackett returned the salute. " _Gracias_." Even though his eyes conveyed his gratitude, he couldn't smile.

"Take care of him, Lieutenant." Hackett turned to leave.

"I will, sir." James sat down next to Shepard's bedside. He reached over and touched Shepard's cheek lightly. " _Mi corazón_. I know you don't remember me or us. Just know that I love you and I'll do whatever it takes for you to be happy again."

Shepard blinked several times before looking at James. "For some reason, I believe you, James." He frowned, then shook his head slowly. "That doesn't sound right."

James continued caressing Shepard's cheek with his thumb. "What doesn't?"

"James." Shepard instinctively turned toward the touch, but stopped himself, going still again. "It just doesn't sound right. Jim." He shook his head. "No. Jimmy?"

James could only nod. He couldn't speak, swallowing hard, trying to get the lump in his throat from choking him.

Shepard frowned, his forehead creasing. He closed his eyes tight, then began to tremble. He shook his head, hands gripping the sheets under him. He didn't fight when he felt strong arms around him, pulling him against a rock solid chest. "Why can't I remember?" He inhaled deeply. "Why are you so familiar? I don't know you."

"Yeah, _mi corazón_ , you do. You know me." James murmured against Shepard's temple before pressing a soft kiss there. "Even though you can't remember, you still know me. I'm here and I'll take care of you." He's surprised, though was able to say later that he was damned proud he didn't react, when Shepard nodded.

"Okay." Shepard's voice sounded almost twenty years younger than he was. "Okay."

"I know you're scared right now. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." James held Shepard as tight as he dared, not wanting to upset any of the machines hooked up. He finally just climbed into the bed with Shepard. He was pleasantly surprised when Shepard curled up beside him and closed his eyes.

"Tired." Shepard finally admitted. "Don't go?"

James ran a hand over Shepard's closely shaven head. "I already told you. I'm not going anywhere. Just get some rest and we'll handle each day one at a time." He paused, then smiled softly. "Loco."

Shepard tensed at the last word. His breathing started coming faster and he began to tremble.

"What's wrong?" James immediately became concerned. He pulled back so he could look at Shepard.

"Nothing." Shepard stuttered out through clenched teeth. "Don't know. Just something about that word. Something... I don't know... bad... I think." He shook his head and tried to take deep breaths.

They were interrupted by a nurse coming in to give Shepard some more of the same stuff from before. She didn't say a single word to James about his current position. She just smirked and left.

By the time she was gone, Shepard was asleep. James just pulled his husband as close as he could and tried to get some sleep as well. As he drifted off, he made a mental note to scratch that nickname off his list.

When Shepard woke, the first thing he realised was that, while the bed next to him was still warm, it was quite empty. He tried to sit up, but his arms had somehow turned to rubber overnight and it was a struggle. He gave up and opted for just laying still, waiting to see what would happen next. He went through his memories, trying to recall something, anything, from after the first Normandy was destroyed. He leaned his head into the pillow and inhaled. He could smell James' scent clinging there. He closed his eyes and the first thing that came to mind was 'home'. He frowned, but didn't fight it. Another feeling came to him. Safe. He took another deep breath. Security. It didn't match up with what he remembered. This man shouldn't be here. It should be Kaidan. Shouldn't it?

"Please try to understand. He cannot be released right now. We're still not sure what's going on and why the memory loss occurred." The voice was coming from somewhere just outside Shepard's room. While Shepard didn't look that way, he started to listen in.

"Do I look like I give a fuck? I'm taking him somewhere he'll be more comfortable." Shepard recognised that voice. He kept his eyes closed and smiled into the pillow. That was Jimmy. That slight accent. He almost laughed. He suddenly began to tremble as the smile faded.

"And where would that be, Lieutenant?"

"I dunno. Canada." The smile returned, though only slightly. Yeah, going back to Canada would be good. He froze after considering where in Canada he might like to go. He had to remind himself to breathe. No, maybe not Canada after all.

"Where in Canada, exactly, did you have in mind?"

"I don't fucking know. Not any of the cities. Somewhere quiet. Remote. But I'm taking him. You got a problem with that, take it up with the Admiral." James stormed into the room. When his eyes met Shepard's, James calmed down and smiled softly. "I'm getting you out of here, _mi corazón_. They can't do anything more for you here."

Shepard nodded, then sighed. "Canada?"

James frowned and shook his head. "Well, you were born in Canada, so I thought you'd like to go back there. If you'd rather go somewhere else, we can do that."

Shepard shrugged, watching James warily. "I... don't know. Not Canada. I don't know why, but I don't want to go to Canada." His hands start trembling. He doesn't pull away when James takes hold of them.

"Okay, we'll go somewhere else. Somewhere out of the way. You need time to rest and heal. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too." James brought one of Shepard's hands up and kissed his palm lightly. He smiled when Shepard didn't pull away.

Shepard could only nod as he watched James carefully. "Why do I feel so safe around you?"

James smiled at Shepard. "Because you know I'll always have your back, _mi corazón_. Always."

Two hours later, Shepard was dressed and on his feet, leaning on James for support. He was determined to walk out of there, even though his legs felt like jello. He winced with each step, but continued on.

James got Shepard out and to a transport shuttle. He was surprised to see Cortez there, then grinned. "Hey, Esteban."

Shepard let James lead him to a seat. He looked at Cortez, but no recognition showed.

Cortez frowned a little, then half smiled at James. "That doctor called Admiral Hackett and complained. He sent me to give you two a ride to anywhere you want to go." He shook his head. "So, you decided yet?"

James nodded. "Yeah." He turned toward Shepard. "I'm gonna go help Esteban fly the shuttle, Caleb. If you need me, just say something. Okay, _mi corazón_?"

Shepard nodded to James. "Okay." He glanced at Cortez again, then to James. "I take it you know him?"

Cortez stiffened, but didn't respond.

James nodded. "Yeah, you could say that. You know him too. You just don't remember that you do."

Shepard makes a small oh sound, then settles in for the ride.

James joined Cortez up front in the co-pilot's seat.

"So, he's really lost his memory?" Cortez muttered to James.

"Not all of it, no, but the last two and half years. We're going to New York. There's a small town near the coast. Didn't get hit by the Reapers that bad. Cousin of mine had a cabin on the outskirts. It made it through and is fine." He passed along the coordinates to Cortez.

Cortez looked behind him at Shepard, then to James. "At least he's alive, James. In time, maybe he'll remember. If he doesn't, then maybe you've just been given the greatest gift of all. Watching him fall in love with you all over again."

James was silent for a moment before speaking softly. "He keeps asking about Alenko. Admiral Hackett doesn't want them to see each other right now. He thinks it would be the worst thing for Caleb. He don't know Alenko that well."

Cortez blinked then turned his head toward James. "What?" His eyes went wide and he stared at James in disbelief. "You'd let Kaidan see him right now?"

James shot Cortez a wry look. "Actually, yeah, I would. Alenko has far too much integrity to snatch Caleb out from under me. He wouldn't do that. Not when Caleb can't remember part of his life. He'd never forgive himself for doing it."

Cortez turned his attention back to flying the shuttle. "Mr. Vega-Shepard, that is the craziest thing I've ever heard."

James snorted and shook his head. "Just cause you might steal someone's husband from right under their nose don't mean others would." His tone was not harsh, but rather had a slight teasing quality.

Cortez chuckled. "Anyone else's husband, yeah, maybe, but not yours."

Shepard looked at the cabin after stepping off of the shuttle, supported by James. He was settled in a swing on the porch and watched James as he grabbed their stuff from the shuttle. A few moments later and they were alone.

James set their bags inside, then joined Shepard on the swing. He rested his arm along the back of the seat. He smiled faintly as Shepard leaned in against him. The movement was hesitant and almost shy. He moved his arm slightly so it was curled around Shepard.

They sat that way in silence until darkness overtook them. The stars shone brightly above them and through the trees, they had quite the view. Shepard stood up and managed to get to the porch railing five steps away. He held on to the railing and looked up.

James watched from the swing, not paying attention to the stars. He was entranced by Shepard and missed the meteorite that burned overhead. When Shepard suddenly staggered backward and crumpled down, hands over his ears and screaming, James was up and by his side, picking him up and holding him tightly.

Shepard shook his head. "There were too many. Too many. Fuck! Why me?" He screamed and closed his eyes tight.

James rubbed Shepard's back. "Too many of what? Why you what?"

Shepard fell silent then, only making the occasional soft hiccuping sob sound. He began to relax, his head resting on James' shoulder.

James didn't push it. He just let Shepard calm down, then whispered softly. "It's getting late, _mi corazón_. You should get some sleep."

Shepard shook his head. "No. Nightmares." He frowned. "Don't want to sleep." The drowsiness evident in his voice betrayed him.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight, or..." James sighed, but even Shepard could tell that it wasn't from irritation, rather frustration of not knowing what to do.

"I don't want to be alone, James... Jimmy." Shepard curled his fingers around James' shirt. "Don't want to be alone." He stifled the yawn, then felt himself being led inside and to a room. He barely noticed when he was guided into the bed. He didn't notice his boots being removed, nor his pants. He was already asleep.

James moved to the other side of the bed and sat down. He watched Shepard sleep for a while, then took his boots, pants, and shirt off. Just as he was settling down, about to pull Shepard into his arms, Shepard started screaming for the second time that night. James didn't hesitate as he slid his arms around Shepard and began murmuring words of comfort. It didn't take long before Shepard calmed down and fell back into a deeper sleep.

Shepard woke to an empty bed and the sound of the shower running. He stretched out, then stood up. Just as he was about to find something to eat, he heard... what sounded like singing, though he wasn't quite sure... from the bathroom.

_Te amo_  
 _Desde el primer momento en que te vi_  
 _Y hace tiempo te buscaba_  
 _Y ya te imaginaba asi_

Shepard couldn't stop himself. He was drawn to that. Something about that song. He stopped at the bathroom door, about to open it when his breath caught. He staggered backward, prepared for the onslaught. He knew this feeling. A memory cutting through, one that he wouldn't remember later after he had slept.

Strong hands holding his wrists down on a bed. The smell of gunsmoke, sweat, and cologne. The feel of a scar against his skin as someone was kissing his neck. The feel of skin on skin.

Shepard shook his head, closing his eyes.

The feeling of complete trust. The feeling of absolute love. Something stronger than he had ever felt for Kaidan.

Shepard opened his eyes and listened.

_Te amo_  
 _Aunque no es tan facil de decir_  
 _Y defino lo que siento con estas palabras_  
 _Te amo_

Shepard touched the bathroom door lightly. " _Te amo, mi amor._ " He jerked his hand back and shook his head. Where the hell had that come from? He began trembling as he all but fled from the room, grabbing his pants on the way. Somehow he got them on before stumbling outside.

It had snowed overnight. A light dusting was on the ground, though it wouldn't last long in the daylight. Shepard crossed his arms over his chest and shivered. He didn't know how long he stood there, but he soon felt a blanket being wrapped over his shoulders. Seconds later, a steaming cup of coffee was offered to him.

James stood there in a sweatshirt and pants. He frowned a little. "You're gonna get sick if you come out here like that too much, Caleb."

Shepard just looked at James for a moment. "I have to know. Are you the dominate one?"

James' frown deepened briefly, then he looked away. "I'm not supposed to answer questions like that." He looked down at the wooden porch. "The doc said you have to remember these things on your own."

Shepard put the coffee cup down and turned on James. "I heard you singing." He ignored the 'if you can call it that' mutter from James. "I... I don't know if it's a memory or not. I remember being held down. Kissed. I remember feeling so damned safe."

James looked up at Shepard, a spark of hope in his eyes. "The answer is yes. I've always been dominant by our mutual decision."

Shepard shivered, leaning in against James when it was offered. "What scared me most is that... well... I don't know Spanish, but..."

James was silent for a moment, then rubbed Shepard's back in a way that encouraged him.

"I said _'Te amo, mi amor'_ to the bathroom door while you where in there. I don't even know what that means." Shepard coughs a little as he's suddenly hugged tight. "Well, I guess that means something to you."

James nodded, kissing Shepard's cheek. " _Te amo_ means I love you. _Mi amor_ means my love. _Mi corazón_ means..."

Shepard interrupted him, placing a hand over James' chest. "My heart." He gasped, hand falling back to his side, as he looked at James in shock.

James stood still, fear evident in his eyes. "Yeah, it does." He watches warily. "Caleb?"

Shepard took a moment to recover. "What I felt for whoever I was with in that... memory... maybe it was, was stronger than what I ever felt for Kaidan." He looked down at his ring, then at James' matching one. "I think I love  _you_ , Jimmy." He looked up at James, revelation in his eyes.

James remaind a little wary, but still pulled Shepard into his arms. "I love you, Caleb. I loved you from the moment I met you."

Shepard rested his head against James' shoulder. "I'm remembering things. Only pleasant things though. I think." He smiled faintly. "At least I hope so."

James nodded, then shook his head. "Your nightmares are probably memories." He frowned.

Shepard shuddered. "I hope not. I'd hate to think that I actually painted a laser sight on a Reaper alone while the Quarians fought to take back Rannoch all the while I hear your voice screaming at me about how much I was a pendejo for doing that."

James just went still and tensed up. He doesn't confirm or deny it, nor does Shepard ask for him to do so. He just rubbed Shepard's back for a moment until he was no longer trembling.

Shepard stretched out on the bed, smiling to himself. He rubbed his left wrist where it was still a little sore. He turned on his side, toward the sound of soft snoring, and curled up. He let his head rest on James' shoulder and closed his eyes again. He sighed as he both felt and heard the other's breathing change. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"S'ok, _mi corazón._ You okay?" James put his arm around Shepard.

"Yeah. No nightmares." Shepard smiled as he looked at James. "I think last night helped."

James chuckled and rubbed Shepard's back. "Sounds like it. You feeling okay?"

Shepard smirked at James. "Well, a little sore, but yeah, I'm feeling fine."

James nodded. "Good. I wondered if I'd pushed you too far."

Shepard shook his head. "No. I enjoyed it." He seemed a little surprised as he said that. "I really did enjoy it." He smiled and closed his eyes, trying to get a little closer.

James stayed silent for a moment, just enjoying the moment. Caleb back in his arms. Caleb remembering that it was him he loved and not Kaidan. He never would have believed it. Damned Esteban had been right. He sighed and looked down at Shepard. "Okay, your doctor is probably gonna kill me, but I'm going to answer any questions you have about the past. I'll answer them honestly and I'll be right here if you need support. Okay?" He felt Shepard nod, though the movement was so slight he almost didn't see it.

"I'm not sure I want to remember anything other than you, Jimmy." Shepard swallowed hard. "What if I did something so horrible that I don't want to remember it. Don't want to face it."

James stared up at the ceiling. He knew what Shepard's actions had cost them. The Geth. EDI. Hell, Caleb had somehow committed genocide while destroying the reapers. "It's up to you, _mi corazón._ Just remember that I am going to be here and I will always love you no matter what."

Shepard sighed softly and nodded. "That actually makes me feel better. You already know what I've forgotten and you're still here."

James nodded and rubbed Shepard's back. "Yeah. I do and I am."

Shepard sat up, pulling away from James. "Okay. So. That dream I had? A reaper on Rannoch? Real or just a dream?" He couldn't look at James.

James lightly caressed Shepard's cheek. "Real. You did that and I was pissed at you for it." His voice is soft, making it clear that he's no longer angry about the incident.

Shepard looked at James then. "Why did I do it?"

James sat up and knelt before Shepard. "Because if you hadn't, the geth would have destroyed all the Quarians. I hated that you did it. That you felt you were the only one who could have done it. I was terrified I was going to lose you."

Shepard just stared at James then closed his eyes. "I... I faced the reaper after. I think. I talked to it. It knew me. Harlequin. No. Harbinger. It mentioned Harbinger." He tensed suddenly. "Okay, that name scares the shit outta me and I don't know why."

James placed his hands on Shepard's shoulders. "Harbinger took an interest in humans, but you specifically."

Shepard leaned forward, resting his forehead on James' shoulder. "I made sure that reaper was nothing but scrap before we left Rannoch. Right? I think I painted it again after I talked to it."

James nodded. "Yeah, you did. Scariest thing I've ever witnessed and the bravest damned thing I think you ever did. I'm not sure I'd have been able to face down a reaper like that."

Shepard began to tremble a bit, then stopped, not even breathing until James thumped him on the back. "Legion!" He looked up at James, completely stunned. "A geth named Legion. I remember him."

James didn't smile. He only nodded. "Yeah. He gave up his existence to save the geth."

Shepard nodded. "I threatened the Quarian fleet. Told them if they didn't stop attacking I was just gonna stand by and watch." He shook his head, closing his eyes tightly. "They're all dead. The geth. Aren't they?" It wasn't a question.

James doesn't answer. He just rubbed Shepard's back for a moment. "Come on. Let's get something to eat." He got up, pulling on a pair of pants before heading to the kitchen.

Shepard didn't follow. He just curled up on the bed, staring off at nothing. "I let them die." He whispers to himself. "God help me, I let them all die."

Upon realising that Shepard wasn't behind him, James went back to the bedroom. He lay down behind Shepard and put his arm around him. "Want to talk about it?"

Shepard shook his head at first, then sighed. "I killed them."

James frowned. "What?"

Shepard turned around to look at James. "I chose to kill them, Jimmy." He closed his eyes tightly. "I let them die."

James rubbed Shepard's back. "You did what you had to. No one is gonna blame you. Okay?"

Shepard shook his head. "You don't understand. I did it for you." The words are barely whispered. "It was the only way I could have even a fighting chance of being with you again. I did it for you."

James stayed silent, not knowing how to take what Shepard just said. He opts for just being there, rubbing Shepard's back and letting his husband cry against his chest until he finally fell asleep.

Once he was certain Shepard was asleep, James got up and went to call Hackett. He was surprised when he was put through immediately and Hackett answered within seconds.

"Lieutenant, how is Shepard doing?" Hackett sounded truly concerned.

"Not so good, Admiral." James sighed. "He's remembering a lot, but he's messed up. He's convinced he's guilty of genocide."

Hackett nodded. "Hmm. In a way, he is, but no one is going to blame him for what he did. He destroyed the Reapers."

"Yeah, I know. He needs therapy but I can't take him to a city right now, not with all the destruction." James glanced off toward the bedroom when he heard a soft cry.

"I'll send one to you. She'll be there as long as it takes. I can't stress how important it is that Shepard is back in the field as soon as possible, Lieutenant." Hackett looked down, probably at a datapad to make the arrangements.

"That may not be possible, sir. Like I said, he's messed up." James looked back at Hackett. "I don't know if he's ever going to get over this."

"I have to believe that he will. We don't just need him. We need you as well. The N7 program decided that, with everything you helped accomplish, you've officially completed their training program. Congratulations, Lieutenant Commander Vega-Shepard, you're now an N7 soldier."

James didn't know what to say, so he stood straighter and saluted. "Thank you, sir."

Hackett nodded. "Take care of Shepard. I'll be there with the therapist soon." The communication was cut and James dropped his arm.

James hadn't expected to hear anything positive and it was hard for him to be happy that he'd somehow completed the training program and got a promotion all at once. He turned and went back to the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed and just watched Shepard sleep.

When Shepard woke, he heard voices in the other room. They were being quiet enough that Shepard couldn't tell what they were saying. Two men and a woman. He was sure of that. He smiled faintly as he heard Jimmy's voice. He'd know that one anywhere. The other voice was familiar, but he couldn't quite identify it. Maybe Hackett. The woman's voice, well, he was lost on that one.

Shepard got up and pulled on a pair of pants and a sweatshirt. He stepped out of the bedroom and noticed everything went quiet. He pretended not to notice as he went into the kitchen for a cup of coffee, ignoring all eyes on him.

James stood up and followed behind Shepard. "Caleb, you're up."

"Yeah." Shepard looked at James. "What, no _mi corazón_?" He tried to smile, but couldn't. He sighed and poured a cup of coffee. He stared at it.

James didn't quite know what to say, so he just stepped up behind Shepard and hugged him. "I'm worried about you, _mi corazón._ Really worried. Okay?"

Shepard swallowed hard, then nodded. "I know. So, you called Hackett, I see. Who's the woman?"

James frowned a little. "Like I said, I'm worried. They're talking cat six, _mi corazón._ The Admiral's worried too. He wants you to get better. Maybe get back out there."

Shepard nodded again. "Still doesn't explain the woman."

James sighed. "That's Kelly Chambers. She worked with you before. She's got a degree in psychology, so Hackett thought she might be able to help you. Besides, when she heard you were suffering, she offered to help. It can't hurt."

Shepard leaned back against James. "Okay. We'll try." He let James lead him out of the kitchen. He looked at Kelly for a moment, confusion showing. She seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite place her. He didn't even listen to what was being said. He just sat there, taking small sips of his coffee, letting everything go on around him.

After several attempts to get Shepard to talk, Hackett finally seemed to give up. The look he gave James was mirrored back. Hackett didn't stick around much longer, leaving Shepard in Kelly's care.

The following days are much the same. Kelly can't get Shepard to talk and he doesn't do more than eat and sleep. James even tried to get Shepard to talk to Kelly, but he just kept saying it wouldn't do any good.

Day sixteen saw the first real breakthrough. Kelly, in her frustration, suggested they all go sit on the porch.

James looked at Kelly like she was out of her mind. "It's snowing out there! You lo... crazy or something?" He thanked his stars that he'd remembered how the word loco had triggered Shepard before.

Kelly shook her head. "No. I just think we all need a change." She put on her boots and coat and went outside.

James shook his head and muttered several things in Spanish as he got Shepard's boots and coat on him before putting his own on. He took Shepard's hands and got him to stand up. "Come on, _mi corazón._ We're going to go outside for a bit." He led Shepard outside and sat him down on the porch swing. He started to sit down next to him, but Kelly called to him.

"James? Come down here." Kelly's voice was clear enough that James could tell he wasn't allowed to say no.

James sighed and headed down the steps to the snow covered ground. He muttered several more things in Spanish before stopping in front of her. "What."

"Play." Kelly instructed. "It might get him to join in. Plus, we both need the break." She started working on a snowman.

James rolled his eyes and shook his head. He went to find a couple sticks. About half way through their snowman, something wet and cold hit the side of James' face. He looked at Kelly, but she at the wrong angle. He looked over at Shepard in surprise.

Shepard stood there at the bottom of the steps, looking very innocent and wiping snow off his hands. James reacted on instinct. He scooped up some snow and flung it at Shepard. Shepard ducked and rolled out of the way, coming back to his feet with snow all over him. He surprised everyone, including himself, by laughing. It was so sudden that all three of them were shocked.

James recovered first and tackled Shepard, taking him down in the snow. He smiled as he heard Shepard's laugh again. Maybe, just maybe, things would start to get better. Kelly watched the two wrestling in the snow and just smiled. She went back to work on her snowman.

After both James and Shepard were soaked through from the snow, James dragged Shepard inside, leaving Kelly to her snowman. James got Shepard's wet clothes off and into the shower. He joined Shepard after stripping his clothes off as well, leaving them in a pile on the bathroom floor. The warm water was just what they both needed.

After warming up, James turned the water off and handed Shepard a towel. "Here, _mi corazón._ Dry off and I'll get you some clothes." He wrapped another towel around his waist and left the bathroom. When he turned around, Shepard had already come out of the bathroom. He tossed some clothes to Shepard, then dried off and got dressed.

Shepard put the clothes on, then yawned. Just those few moments of activity had wiped him out. He looked at James for a moment, then sighed. "I'm still cold." He smiled as James walked over and hugged him tight. "Thanks."

James rubbed Shepard's back. "I missed you, _mi corazón._ Don't do that to me again. Okay? Don't leave me like that again."

Shepard rested his head against James' shoulder, arms around him. "I can't promise that, but I'll try." He didn't complain or argue when James pulled away.

"You're tired. Lay down and rest. I'll go see if there's any hot chocolate." James smiled as he watched Shepard climb into the bed and curl up under the blanket. By the time he was back, Shepard was asleep.

"How is he?" Kelly asked as she came back inside.

"Sleeping." James closed the bedroom door and turned to look at Kelly. "I started to think I'd never hear him laugh again. Thank you."

"It surprised me too. I didn't think he'd come down, to be honest. I was starting to think we were going to have to use medication." Kelly went into the kitchen, finding some tea to brew.

"Well, whether or not it was planned, you gave me the chance to hear him laugh again. Sweetest sound in the galaxy, if you ask me." James looked toward the bedroom door. "Tired him out though. I just hope he doesn't slide back down when he wakes up."

"If he does, we'll just take him back outside and throw snow at him." Kelly commented as she waited for her tea.

Shepard didn't sleep for long. In fact, he was up in thirty minutes. When he left the bedroom, he was greeted with a cup of hot chocolate, still steaming, and piled with marshmallows. He couldn't help the small smile that breaks through. "Thanks, Jimmy." He took the cup and sat down on the sofa.

Kelly sat across from Shepard, her cup of tea half gone. "I think we can all agree that getting outside was what everyone needed."

James sat next to Shepard, casually resting his arm along the back of the sofa. "Yeah."

Shepard nodded, leaning toward James. "On that, we can agree."

Kelly nodded and looked at Shepard. "What's your last clear memory? Nothing fuzzy or incomplete."

Shepard shuddered almost immediately. "I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating. Then nothing." He frowned.

Kelly nodded. "Okay, after that, what's the first thing you can remember. It can be fuzzy or incomplete."

Shepard was silent for a moment, then responded. "Well, you're familiar, and I think I met you before I met Jimmy." He nodded. "In fact, I'm sure of it."

Kelly nodded again. "You did, yes. Tell me something that you remember that's pleasant."

Shepard shifted and blushed. "Umm... Well..." He glanced at James.

Kelly shook her head. "Never mind, I get the idea." She chuckled, then became serious. "While we're talking, if you become uncomfortable or start to panic, I want you to go back to that pleasant moment."

Shepard nodded. He leaned a little closer to James and sighed contentedly as he felt the arm rest on his shoulders. "Okay." He seemed a little uncertain, but he'd promised he would try.

Kelly nodded. "Now, before you woke up in the field hospital, what's the last thing you can recall."

Shepard shivered. "I had called the Normandy for an emergency evac. Kaidan and Garrus were hurt. I wasn't going to let them die. I had to get them out of there." He paused to take a sip of his hot chocolate, then continued. "I remember being hit by something. I don't know what, but I know it hurt. If I hadn't had..." He paused again, brow furrowing in frustration. "Had what..." He shook his head. "I don't know, but I do know that I got back up somehow. I got to the Citadel."

James remained silent, keeping his arm around Shepard in quiet support. He didn't look at Kelly, but rather kept his attention on Shepard.

Kelly leaned forward slightly. "Okay. You succeeded in that. Kaidan and Garrus are both alive and well. If you hadn't gotten them out of there, they would have died. So, you're on the Citadel. What do you remember?"

"There were a lot of bodies. The keepers were going through them, removing armor from the soldiers." Shepard shuddered. "I'm cold." He shivered again, then offered a silent thanks when James pulled a blanket from behind the sofa and wrapped it around his shoulders. The arm returned and he seemed to gather strength from it. "Anderson was there. When I got to him, we were trapped by the Illusive Man." He leaned forward suddenly, dropping the cup of hot chocolate. His hands went to cover his ears and he began rocking back and forth, eyes closed tight. "He made me shoot Anderson. I killed Anderson."

James shook his head and took hold of Shepard's wrists, forcing his hands away from his ears. "Listen to me, _mi corazón_ , you didn't kill Anderson. You just said it. You were forced to do it. You did not make the choice to pull the trigger."

Kelly moved to crouch in front of Shepard. "Listen to him, Caleb. You are not to blame for Anderson's death."

Shepard kept his eyes closed, but he heard the words. After a moment, he finally stopped rocking back and forth, then nodded. He was silent for a moment longer before continuing. "I sat with him until he died. I think I was close to going too when I heard someone telling me that the Crucible hadn't fired. I tried to see what was wrong, but I couldn't. I was so tired. Just wanted to lay down and sleep. I remember a child, but not a child. He was telling me that I had to choose."

James let go of Shepard's wrists then. He knew what was coming. The choice that had sent Shepard spiraling downward. The choice that probably caused the whole mess in the first place. He looked at Kelly briefly before readying himself for anything.

Shepard swallowed hard. "I could have controlled them. I could have told them what to do, where to go, how to behave. I chose to destroy the bastards. Blow them all to hell. I knew that the geth would die. That EDI would die."

Kelly nodded, staying there in front of Shepard. "Why did you make that choice?"

Shepard closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again. "I don't..."

Kelly shook her head. "Don't you dare say 'I don't know', Shepard. You do know. Why did you do it? Why did you kill the Geth?"

Shepard shook his head. "I don't know..."

Kelly grabbed hold of Shepard's arms and shook him. "Tell me, damn it! Why did you condemn an entire race to die!"

James was just about ready to stop this when Shepard screamed at Kelly. "Because I had to! I wanted to be with my Jimmy again, damn it! It was the only fucking way I'd ever have a life again!"

Kelly let go and slid back to sit on her heels. "Now we're getting somewhere."

Shepard leaned against James. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He began to repeat those two words over and over until he was lost in grief.

James put his arms around Shepard and rocked him back and forth. "No one blames you, _mi corazón._ No one."

Kelly reached over and caressed Shepard's cheek. "Remember your pleasant memory, Caleb. Go there now. We'll talk more when you're ready."

"What if I'm never ready?" asked Shepard, looking at Kelly through teary eyes.

Kelly stood up. "You will be. Talking it through helps."

Shepard shook his head. "How do you know?" He instantly regretted those words.

"The Collectors captured me, Caleb. You rescued me. I wouldn't have recovered if I hadn't had you to talk to about it." Kelly looked down at Shepard. "You helped me through that time. Now I'm here to help you through this."

Shepard nodded, then closed his eyes. "I remember that now."

Kelly glanced at James, then smiled. "The more you talk about this, the more you'll remember. Right now, you need time to rest. Don't make us drag you outside and dump snow on you."

Shepard snorted. Well, okay, it was a cross between a cough and a laugh. "I won't."

Kelly walked off to the second bedroom while James just held Shepard, running a hand over his close shaved hair. "I'm here,  _mi corazón_ , I'm here."

Shepard was silent for a moment, then nodded. "I know, _mi amor. Te amo_."

James smiled and kissed the top of Shepard's head. " _Te amo_ , Caleb."

The following morning, James woke to an empty bed. When he got up, he found that Shepard and Kelly had just finished making breakfast, though it was obvious Kelly did most of the cooking.

Shepard handed James a cup of coffee and a plate of food. "Good timing, Jimmy." He smiled slightly, just a twitch upward at the corners of his mouth.

"Yeah, seems like it." James takes both, then looks at the plate. "You didn't cook, did you?" His tone is light and teasing.

Kelly snorted. "Honestly, do you really think I'd let him near the stove?" She winked at James.

"Oh come on. I'm not that bad." Shepard shook his head and threw up his arms. "I mean, I've learned how to boil water without burning the pot. That's got to count for something."

James took his coffee and plate to the table and sat down. "Sure,  _mi corazón_. It means you've learned to stay near the stove when it's on. Doesn't mean you can cook yet, but don't worry. I'll teach you." He smiled as Shepard joined him at the table. "You seem better this morning."

Shepard shrugged. "Maybe a little. I'm still reeling a little, I guess. I'm not sure I want to talk about it though."

Kelly puts a plate in front of Shepard, then sits down with her own. "I'm not going to push you, Caleb. Not now, at least. I will later if you don't open up on your own. For now, we can work on you regaining some of your other memories."

There seemed to be a mutual agreement that during mealtimes they make small talk. The biggest topic this morning was how the snow had stopped overnight. Once finished, James picked up the dishes and took them to the sink to wash them. Kelly and Shepard stayed at the table.

"Is there anything you do want to talk about? A fuzzy memory that you want help with piecing back together?" Kelly looked at Shepard over her cup of tea as she sipped from it.

Shepard was silent for a long moment, looking at James instead of appearing to listen to Kelly. "I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of in my past. Why should I want to remember everything from the past two years?"

James cursed in Spanish, then turned to Shepard. "Because it's a part of you, Caleb. What you accomplished in the past two years helped to make you who you are today. If you don't want to remember that, fine." He turned back to the sink, shut the water off, and started walking off. "I can't do this much longer, Caleb. I'm losing my mind here. Without all those memories, you're not the man I fell in love with anymore. You're a shadow of him." He went into the bedroom and closed the door.

Shepard just stared after James for a moment then stood up. He walked over to a window and looked out at the snow covered ground.

Kelly followed Shepard and stood beside him. "He's scared, Caleb, but he's also right. Everything you did made you who you are today. If you hadn't done all those things, you wouldn't have been able to accomplish what you have. Losing those memories is losing a part of yourself."

Shepard shook his head. "I already killed an entire race. What else have I done? What exactly am I capable of? I don't wnat to discover that I'm psychotic or sociopathic or something else even worse."

Kelly turned to look at Shepard. "Caleb, you're neither of those. You never have been. What you always were was willing to do whatever it took to get the job done. If that meant killing an entire race, then that's what it meant. You got rid of the reapers, Caleb. You did that. No one else. You were the only one who could have done it."

Shepard glared at Kelly. "I'm not so far gone that I don't remember Torfan, Kelly." He sighed and looked out the window.

"You have less than two weeks, Caleb, before they decide to discharge you category six." Kelly started to reach out to touch Shepard's arm, but hesitated. "Admiral Hackett is trying to stop it so you have more time to recover. If you show improvement, they'll extend the time..."

"Maybe I'm just so tired of doing this that I want to be discharged? A person can only save the galaxy so many times before they're tired of it." Shepard shook his head and rubbed his forehead.

Kelly studied Shepard closely. "Just how much do you really remember?"

Shepard shook his head again. "A lot of it is still a jumble. I get bits and pieces of situations, but I can't place them in the right order. Every so often something new pops up and I try and hold on to it, good or bad, and sometimes I just can't."

Kelly nodded. "When did this happen?"

Shepard shrugged. "Yesterday. I've been dealing with it since then."

Kelly glanced toward the bedroom door. "Does James know?"

Shepard shook his head. "I didn't want to worry him. Guess I screwed that up." He sighed. "Didn't I?" It wasn't a question.

Kelly shook her head and looked back at Shepard. "I don't think so. You need to talk to him though. Tell him what's going on. He's scared and frustrated, Caleb."

Shepard didn't respond, but he did turn around and walk to the bedroom door, knocking on it. "Jimmy?"

The door opened and James stood there. He didn't speak, but he moved out of the way, leaving the door open. He watched as Shepard walked in and closed the door behind him.

"We need to talk about this." Shepard started. He raised a hand to stop James from saying anything. "Wait. Please. You need to understand that I'm scared, Jimmy. I don't know what all I've done and that scares me. I've already wiped out one race, two if you count the reapers. What else have I done?" He sighed. "It's not that I don't remember it all anymore, it's that I can't sort it out. I have flashes of things, but I don't know where to put it." He fell silent, then moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

James moved to sit next to Shepard. "I said it once before and I'll say it again, you're the only son of a bitch that could have done this, Caleb. You have a knack for doing the impossible. Hell, you've made your career by doing the impossible. Whatever you did that you think was wrong, you made up for it by all the good you did." He looked at Shepard, turning to face him. "Sure, the geth are gone, but the Krogan will survive. Yeah, Joker's pissed because EDI isn't there anymore, but the whole damned galaxy just got a second chance at life. If you hadn't been there on the Citadel at that exact point in time, we'd all be fucked."

Shepard couldn't stop the small smile at James' last comment. "I want to know something? I remember that you were my guard at first. Well, that's not quite right, I was locked up. Why?"

James sighed and looked away. "Promise you won't freak out?" He waited for Shepard to nod. "You were in there for destroying a mass relay. Hundreds of thousands of Batarians died in the explosion."

Shepard nearly stopped breathing at hearing that. He closed his eyes and forced himself to take slow even breaths. "Okay. Why did I do that?"

James reached over and took Shepard's hand. "Because it's what you do,  _mi corazón_." He lifted Shepard's hand and kissed his fingertips lightly. "You did it to stop the reapers. You stopped them when Sovereign tried to take over the Citadel. You stopped them when the Collectors tried to harvest humanity. You stopped them when you destroyed that relay. You stopped them when you sent them back to hell. It's what you do."

Shepard closed his eyes at the kisses, but gave no sign that he wasn't listening. "So, I was chased down then?"

James shook his head. "No. You turned yourself in."

Shepard frowned a little, then nodded. "Okay, I guess I could see myself doing that." He sighed. "I wasn't with the Alliance at that time, was I?" It wasn't a question.

"No. You weren't. You were being held to keep the Batarians away from you, but they had to make it look real. You were going to go through a full court martial and be tried as a war criminal. They kept rescheduling it. Looking back at it, I think they believed you all along and were just waiting for the reapers to show up so they could let you loose on them." James shrugged. "I don't know, but it's all I can think of."

Shepard nodded. "I was with Cerberus." He sighed. "What the hell was I thinking?" He rubbed his forehead with his free hand.

James actually smiled a little at that, then took hold of Shepard's other hand. " _Mi corazón_ , you were thinking about the entire human race. You took action when no one else would. Sure, you flew Cerberus colors, but you told me several times that you didn't hold to their beliefs. You didn't go for terrorist actions. You went for the Collectors. Hell, you blew their whole base to hell and back."

Shepard looked at his and James' hands, then nodded. "I remember that. They were building a reaper in there. A human reaper. It wasn't finished. We almost didn't make it out because we had to destroy that damned abomination."

James squeezed Shepard's hands lightly. "Yeah. You told me all about it. I don't think I really believed it until I saw what was left of it when we took down Cerberus. Not that I don't trust you, I do, but you gotta admit, that was quite the story."

Shepard smiled a bit and nodded. "Yeah. I'm not sure I'd have believed it." He looked up at James. "When we were there, I saw some footage. I think it was about me. I don't remember what it was though." He frowned and shook his head. "Don't tell me though. I think I have to remember this one on my own." He sighed. "I think you said something about it. Something about how I was real enough for you."

James nodded. "I did." He let go of one of Shepard's hands to caress his cheek . "And even though I have no fucking clue what I ever did to deserve you, you're here, you're mine, and there's no way in hell I'm ever letting you go."

Shepard just smiled in response.

The following two weeks saw Shepard make slow progress toward regaining his memories. Kelly had been picked up to make a report on Shepard's condition. James and Shepard were left alone for the day. They decided to put it to good use by talking over some of the more sensitive memories that Shepard shied away from around Kelly.

"Do you remember our first kiss?" James watched Shepard for any signs of distress.

Shepard frowned, then shrugged. "I'm not sure. I remember being arrested in December. I think it was near Christmas. I'm not sure." He sighed. "I think you were pissed off that you had to guard me for the holidays. Something about wanting to see your uncle." He smiled faintly at the snort from James. "You avoided me until New Years Eve, right?" He waited to see James' reaction. He let out a sigh of relief at the nod. "Okay. I remember you showing up with alcohol. I don't remember what it was, but I remember that it packed a punch."

"Tequila." James shrugged. "Best stuff ever."

Shepard shook his head with a small smile. "If you say so. We talked for a while, just getting drunker and drunker. It gets fuzzy, but after you wished me a Happy New Year, I kissed you."

James nodded. "Yup. Exactly how it happened. I was kinda shocked at that. You looked so lost after that kiss. I think you thought I was gonna punch you."

Shepard chuckled. "I kind of was expecting that. I was really surprised when you turned around a week later and kissed me."

James shrugged. "Hey, I just had to know if it would be the same sober."

Shepard swatted James' shoulder. "Yeah, right."

James laughed and swatted back at Shepard. "I really didn't know what to make of it when it happened, Caleb. I'd never been attracted to another man before. Then you had to walk in and turn my whole world upside down."

Shepard smiled and kissed James. "And I'm glad you let me do it."

James pulled Shepard into his arms. "If anyone had told me back then that one day I'd be married to Commander Shepard, I'd have told them they were completely loco." He froze suddenly, remembering how that word had set Shepard off before.

Shepard let his head rest on James' shoulder. "I'm working through it, Jimmy. I think you can call me loco again without me freaking out."

James nodded and rubbed Shepard's back. "I just want you to get better,  _mi corazón_. I don't care how long it takes. I want to be back out there with you. You know, kicking ass and taking names."

Shepard chuckled and nodded against James' shoulder. "I know you do. We do make a great team."

James nodded. "We sure do." He frowned as Shepard tensed up. "What is it, _mi corazón_."

Shepard pulled back and slipped his hand under James' shirt. He ran his fingers along the skin over James' heart, feeling the scars there.

James chuckled and nipped at Shepard's lips. "If you wanted to get a little frisky, all you had to do was ask."

Shepard shook his head. "No." He pulled his hand back, though started tugging at James' shirt, pulling it off. His eyes focused on the scars that could only have come from a shotgun blast. "I just remembered about this. I damned near lost you, Jimmy."

_"Clear." Kaidan's voice broke the silence._

_James lowered his shotgun as he turned away from the Cerberus trooper he'd taken down. "Clear over here."_

_Shepard nodded and stood up from cover. He started to swing his rifle over his back when it happened._

_A trooper came out of nowhere, shotgun held out. He fired at the closest of the three intruders._

_"Jimmy!" Shepard screamed as the Lieutenant hit the ground, blood starting to coat his armor. Shepard began to glow blue as the mass effect field built._

_Kaidan ducked out of the way just in time as Shepard let loose a charge that sent the trooper flying._

_Shepard was on the ground next to James, tearing off his gauntlets and yanking James' off as well. He took James' hands and held them tight. "Stay with me, Jimmy. Come on, stay with me, baby." He barely glanced at Kaidan._

_Kaidan was on the radio. "Cortez, this is Alenko. We need a pick up, immediately. Vega's wounded."_

_Shepard heard the response. "How bad?"_

_"Bad." Kaidan watched as Shepard applied medi-gel after medi-gel, just trying to stop the bleeding._

_James coughed once, then opened his eyes. He stared up at Shepard. "Caleb, mi corazón..." He was stopped by two fingers on his lips._

_"Shh. Don't talk, mi amor." Shepard unlatched the armor and removed the chestplate to get to the wound better. "It's not that bad, mi amor. Not that bad." He glanced to Kaidan, trying to stay calm enough to keep James calm._

_Kaidan came over and knelt down, running scans and also adding some medi-gel. He looked up at Shepard. The look was clear. If he didn't get to the Normandy soon, he wasn't going to make it._

_Shepard nodded. "Come on, Cortez! Now!"_

_"Almost there," came the response. Ten seconds later, the shuttle touched down nearby. Cortez was out in order to help get James on board._

_Kaidan sat up front with Cortez, staring out at nothing while Shepard tended to James in the back. When they arrived on the Normandy, Chakwas met them in the shuttle bay to stabilize James before moving him._

_Shepard started to follow when James was being taken to the medbay. "No. You go get cleaned up first. He's going to be fine." Dr. Chakwas stared down Shepard, making it clear she was giving an order to the Commander. He nodded and went to do as he was told. He didn't even make it past five steps before he broke. He crumpled to the ground, biting his lip to keep from crying._

_Cortez knelt beside Shepard and put a hand on his back. "Commander?"_

_Shepard just shook his head, not trusting himself to talk._

_Cortez nodded. "I understand. Come on. Let's get you out of your armor and cleaned up. Then you can go see James."_

_Shepard nodded and let Cortez help him. He glanced over to see Kaidan watching him wistfully. When their eyes met, Kaidan looked away._

"I was so scared, Jimmy." Shepard trailed his fingers over those scars. "I was so fucking scared."

James put his hand on top of Shepard's. "Caleb, I'm here. I made it out. I'm still with you. I'm not going anywhere."

Shepard shook his head. "I remember that day." He frowned.

James caught Shepard's chin with his other hand and made him look at him. "What is it?"

"I remember that Kaidan was very jealous of you, but he helped. He actually helped save your life. I think that's when he realized it was over between him and me." Shepard blinked several times, then shook his head, breaking James' grip.

"Yeah, the Major threatened to kick my ass several times." James shrugged. "Always because I'd done something that pissed you off, or so he thought. You should have seen his reaction when I bit you hard enough to leave a mark. I thought I was going to be target practice."

Shepard stared at James, slack jawed "Are you serious?" He places two fingers over James' lips. "Hold on." He closes his eyes and frowns. "Yeah. You told me about that before." He sighed and lowered his hand.

_James came storming into the cabin. "You have got to do something about that pendejo!"_

_Shepard looked up from his reports. "What? Who?"_

_"Alenko." James sat down next to Shepard and kicked his boots off. "He just threatened me! And I mean threatened! The whole going blue biotic freak show. I thought I was gonna be a smear on the floor!"_

_Shepard frowned. "Wait. What?"_

_James groaned and leaned back. He touched the bite mark on Shepard's neck. "That's what I'm talking about. He came down all pissed off because he thought I hurt you. When I tried to tell him that I never do anything you don't want me to do, he started up with the blue. If Esteban hadn't walked in at that point, there's no telling what he'd have done."_

_Shepard rubbed his forehead. "I'll talk to him. Again. He's jealous of you, Jimmy. He doesn't get it. What he and I had is over. Long over. I thought I made that clear in the hospital, then again when he came back on board."_

_James shook his head. "You shouldn't have to, mi corazón. That's just it. You shouldn't have to go telling him to leave me the fuck alone."_

_Shepard snorted. "Jimmy, Kaidan still loves me. I can tell by how he looks at me and how he acts around me. It's going to take time. I'm going to tell him not to go down to the shuttle bay alone when you're down there again though." He set the datapad down and turned to James. "Besides, you know how crazy I am about you." He smiled and leaned in for a kiss._

"That was the day before you were shot. Wasn't it?" Shepard frowned.

"Yeah." James picked his shirt up and put it back on. "I didn't have a problem with him after that, so I guess you're right. That's when he realized you were mine." Shepard smiled. A real one. It grew as he saw the reaction from James. "Damn,  _mi corazón_ , I haven't seen you smile like that since... since... well, in a long damned time."

Shepard chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, well, I haven't really felt like really smiling until now." He leans in against James. "And you're the reason why I feel like it now." He captured James' lips with his own, closing his eyes and losing himself in the sensation.

When Kelly got back late that night, she found Shepard and James fast asleep and curled up together in front of the fireplace, a blanket just barely covering them. She found herself smiling at the sight before going off to her room for the night.

Kelly woke up to the smell of eggs and bacon the next morning. She got up, dressed, and ventured out of her room to find James in the kitchen with Shepard at the table. They were laughing about something.

"Good morning, Kelly." Shepard smiled as he spotted her. He got up and went to pour a cup of coffee, bringing it back to her.

"Thanks." Kelly took the cup and sat down at the table. "The review board decided that unless you take the mission Hackett is going to offer you, they're going to discharge you cat six."

Both Shepard and James froze at her words. All humor was gone from both of them as they stared at her.

"It wasn't my decision! I told them about the progress you were making." Kelly shook her head. "I don't know the details of the mission, but it has something to do with mopping up a Cerberus hold out."

Shepard sat back down and just stared at his coffee cup. James shook his head. "Come on, they can't be serious. He can't go out now. He can't even touch his shotgun without flinching." James sighed.

Kelly nodded. "I know. I told them that. Hackett pushed for more time."

"They're following their own agenda. They want me out of the military. Probably because of the Batarians. Or the genocide. Could be that." Shepard didn't look up. "I'll go, but I don't know how much use I'll be."

James barely nodded. "I got your back,  _mi corazón_. We'll get Kaidan and Garrus and Tali and anyone else that wants to come along. We'll get them all. We'll make damned sure you don't lose your mind on this." He leaves the stove unattended to go sit next to Shepard.

Kelly got up and went to tend to the eggs and bacon. She smiled as James shot her a grateful look. "I'd go with you, Caleb, but I can't go back on the Normandy."

Shepard frowned. "I thought they'd have taken the Normandy away from me by now."

Kelly shook her head. "No, it's still your ship. You're technically on medical leave right now."

Shepard nodded. "I guess I should contact Hackett." He started to get up.

Kelly shook her head again. "No. Sit back down. He's coming here later today. He wanted me to give you a warning about all this."

Shepard relaxed back in the chair and nodded. "Okay. Thanks, Kelly." He tried to smile.

James rubbed Shepard's back silently. He kept his attention on Kelly, wordlessly conveying his concern at the whole mess.

Shepard closed his eyes and rested his head on his forearms. "Why me?"

James leaned over Shepard and kissed the back of his neck, right below the amp port. "Look, we'll go do this. We'll get through this. You and me,  _mi corazón_ , and anyone else who wants in on this. We'll all make sure you get through this."

Shepard nodded against his arms, then sighed. "Jimmy, I don't know if I can do this."

James went back to rubbing Shepard's back. "Yes, you can. You aren't doing this alone. Even if you just sit in the shuttle and let me and the others take care of it, you're still in charge of it."

Shepard snorted and lifted his head. "You know very well that they're not going to accept that, Jimmy. They'll discharge me if I sit on the sidelines."

Kelly turned off the stove, separating the eggs and bacon between three plates. She takes two to the table, setting them in front of James and Shepard. "Actually, they didn't say anything about you actually doing anything. Just that you had to get back out there. I think you can discuss the particulars with Admiral Hackett when he shows up."

Shepard nodded, moving one arm to pick up a fork. "Yeah. Thanks." He looks at James for a moment. "And if I can get away with that, I probably will. I still can't touch my Wraith."

James nodded and kept one arm around Shepard, using the other to eat. "Yeah, I know. I've been watching you. I still think you should go to the firing range, you know."

Shepard shrugged. "Maybe. I'm just glad you're keeping up with it since I can't."

James nodded. "No problem. I know it's special to you."

Shepard smiled at James. "So are you." He finally starts to eat.

Kelly sits down at the table with her plate. "James is right, Caleb. You should get out and start using your Wraith again. It will help. Maybe the two of you can do a little shooting outside later this morning."

James grinned at Kelly, then nodded. "How about it?" He looked at Shepard expectantly.

Shepard was silent for a moment before shrugging. "I'll try." It's the best he can do.

An hour later, Shepard and James were outside setting up whatever they could find to act as targets. James held out Shepard's Wraith. Shepard frowned as he started to reach for it. The minute his hand made contact with it, he shook his head and pulled away.

"I don't think I can do this." Shepard shivered, pulling his jacket around himself tighter.

"Yes, you can." James moves behind Shepard, taking one hand and reaching around him to make Shepard take hold of the Wraith. "I'm right here." He lets go only to grasp Shepards other hand and put it on the shotgun. "I'm not going to let you go, okay?"

Shepard nodded, though even James could see how pale he'd gone. "Okay."

"Now, why does this scare you so much?" James whispered against Shepard's ear.

"I don't know."

"Sight your target." James lifted the gun up, guiding Shepard's hands.

Shepard looked down the sight, then shook his head. "Oh god, Mordin." He jerked free and threw the Wraith down. "The genophage wasn't cured, Jimmy. I needed the Salarians. I shot Mordin." He started to tremble. "I shot him. Wrex found out. I shot him too." He crumbled then, falling to his knees in the light snow dusting the ground.

James moved over and kneeled in front of Shepard. "Hey,  _mi corazón_ , it's okay." He sighed. "I'm not going to say I understand what you did, cause I don't, but you did what you had to do. Our backs were against the wall."

Shepard looked at James for a moment, then shook his head again. "You don't understand. I could have given them a second chance, but I didn't. I took that away from them." He looked away. "What else have I done?"

James stood up, pulling Shepard up with him. "It's okay. You gotta trust me on this." He pulled Shepard into a tight embrace, rubbing his back.

Shepard clung to James. "I killed two of my friends, Jimmy. Mordin was my friend. He tried to tell me that the genophage was a mistake. I could have let him go. I should have let him go. Now the Krogan will pay for my mistake. Wrex was my friend. Hell, he helped me take on Sovereign. I repaid him by making sure the cure didn't work. That's the kind of man you married, Jimmy."

James sighed. "Okay, so, you fucked up twice. You're just human, Caleb. You're going to fuck up. Hell, I've fucked up. I can't even count the number of times I've fucked up."

Shepard started to chuckle and shook his head. "Damn it, _mi amor,_ you just can't let me stay mad at myself, can you?"

James smirked and shook his head. "Nope." He kissed Shepard on the temple before letting him go. "Let's try this again?" He picked up the Wraith and held it out to Shepard.

Shepard hesitated, but finally took it. He shuddered, but didn't let go. He turned toward the targets they'd set up and sighted down the first one. He felt James move behind him, then felt hands on his shoulders, just lightly touching. He took the shot. The target exploded when hit.

"Well, you haven't lost your touch." James grinned, then moved away. He sat down on the porch steps and watched Shepard taking shots.

Kelly came out to join him. "I saw his reaction. Was it something bad?" She held out a cup of coffee to him.

James nodded. "Yeah, but it's not my place to say." He looked up at Kelly, then took the cup offered to him.

Kelly nodded. "I wasn't going to ask." She smiled at James. "I think he'll be okay. I got word from Hackett. He's on his way. He'll be here in about forty minutes."

James stood up and nodded. When Kelly handed him the second cup, he smiled. "Thanks. I'll make sure Caleb is ready." He watched her go back inside, then walked over to Shepard. "Hey, coffee break."

Shepard put the shotgun down and took the cup. "Thanks." The word wasn't meant just for the coffee.

James smiled and caressed Shepard's cheek. "Anytime,  _mi corazón_. I'm here for you. Always." He lowered his hand. "Hackett's gonna be here soon."

Shepard flinched at the mention of Hackett, but nodded. He went back inside and put his shotgun on the table. He set the cup down next to it and sat down to work on the Wraith.

James followed Shepard in and just watched him until Hackett made his appearance. He turned toward the door briefly and shot off a salute. "Sir." He glanced toward Shepard with a small smirk.

Shepard completely ignored Hackett's entrance to the cabin. He was busy with his shotgun. He didn't even look up when Hackett cleared his throat.

"Commander." Hackett walked across the room to stand near Shepard.

"I already know. Kelly told me." Shepard still didn't look up. "I'll go, but only because I'm not going to let them throw me out."

Hackett raised a brow and looked toward James. He shook his head as James shrugged in response to the unspoken question. He looked back at Shepard. "Well, good. I had expected this to be a little more... difficult." He frowned and rubbed his chin. "But I'll take easy."

Shepard looked up then. "Easy? You think this is easy for me?" He ignored James' warning ' _mi corazón_ ' from across the room. "This is the first time I've been able to even touch my shotgun in a month. A month, Admiral, that's all they gave me. Anyone else in my place would have been given at least a year to recover from what I just went through." He stands up, hands on the table. "And if you honestly think they don't have some ulterior agenda to get me killed or worse, you're seriously fucked up." He glared at Hackett for a moment, then added a soft, "sir."

Hackett stood there impassively during Shepard's short rant. "Finished?" He waits for Shepard to nod. "Good. You're right. They have a motive for this. They want you out and they figured category six was the way to go. They expect you to fail this mission. That is not going to happen." He turns slightly. "Lieutenant, I expect you to go with the Commander and make sure this succeeds."

James nodded. "Yes, sir."

Shepard just looked confused. "So, I'm right?"

Hackett couldn't stop the small grin that started, but he did control it. "Yes, Shepard, you're right. Something doesn't seem quite right about this mission whatever their agenda is. I want you to be cautious on this one."

Shepard nodded. "I will be. I'm surprised you're letting James go with me."

Hackett shook his head. "You're a Spectre, Shepard, as you're always so fond of pointing out when you break Alliance regulations. He's also what's keeping you glued together right now. Like hell I'm going to separate you."

Shepard allowed a small smile to break through. "Thank you, sir."

Hackett handed Shepard a datapad. "All the information we have is there. You'll need to leave in forty-eight hours. The Normandy will be waiting for you and I believe most of your old team is still on board. It's all there."

James moved over to stand next to Shepard. He looked at the datapad, then over at Hackett. He didn't say anything, but he tried to convey his gratitude by look alone.

Hackett nodded to James, then to Shepard. "I'll debrief you when you return. Good luck, Marines." He returns the salute that both James and Shepard offer before leaving.

Shepard waited until Hackett was out of earshot. "He could have just sent this crap." He tosses the datapad on the table and starts working on his Wraith again.

James picked up the datapad and began to read. "Yeah, but I get the feeling that it wasn't just to give you this. I think he was checking up on you himself."

Shepard shrugged. "Whatever. Contact the Normandy. I guess we should pack up and head out now. Might as well."

 

Shepard stepped into the starboard lounge. He smiled slightly as he spotted Kaidan there. "I didn't think you'd come along for the ride."

Kaidan shrugged. "I've got your back, Caleb." He looked out at the stars. "Vega brought me up to speed on what's been going on with you."

Shepard sighed and sat down next to Kaidan. "It's been rough, but I'm working through it."

Kaidan nodded and looked at Shepard. "He told me that you asked for me initially."

Shepard shrugged. "Well, I'd lost two and half years of memories, Kaidan. Last I remembered at that point, you and I were together."

Kaidan rubbed his forehead. "Yeah. Right. Do you remember Horizon?"

Shepard shook his head. "Honestly, no, I don't. All I know is that both James and Kelly told me you walked away from me."

Kaidan sighed and nodded. "I did. It was the one thing I really regret."

Shepard was quiet for a moment, then sighed. "That's not why I stopped by."

Kaidan nodded. "I know. What's up?"

Shepard stood up and went to look out at the stars. "When we arrive, we don't know what we're walking into. I want you to take James and Tali and run recon. I need you to be my eyes on the ground."

Kaidan nodded once. "Still protecting James?"

Shepard turned to look at Kaidan. "I damned near lost him once before. I want him by my side, sure, but I'll feel better right now if he's out of the direct line of fire. Right now, I'm barely holding myself together. If he's in danger, I might lose it completely."

Kaidan was silent for a moment, then nodded. "Got it. I'll keep him safe."

Shepard let out a breath that he didn't realise he was holding. "Thank you, Kaidan." He left the lounge and went to get ready.

Once on the planet, Shepard took Liara and Garrus with him. James didn't want to go with Kaidan, but trusted Garrus to keep Shepard safe. The recon team left first, sticking to high ground. Shepard's group kept to cover, waiting to hear from Kaidan.

After ten minutes of waiting, Shepard began to worry. "Kaidan, what's going on?"

"One moment. Keep the channel open." There was a hint of alarm in Kaidan's voice that alerted Shepard. He looked toward Liara and Garrus as they tuned in as well.

"Stay down!" Kaidan's voice barked out. The sound of gunfire began to explode from the radio.

"Fuck!" Shepard couldn't stop himself. He broke cover and began to run toward the location of the recon team. Garrus and Liara were quick to follow.

"Damn it!" Kaidan's voice came again. "Shepard, they've taken James."

Shepard stopped abruptly, almost forgetting how to breathe. He swallowed hard, then gulped a breath of air. "What do you mean, Kaidan?"

"They came out of nowhere. We couldn't stop them. We were outnumbered. They grabbed James and dragged him off. I don't know where." Kaidan sounded dejected. "I'm sorry, Caleb." The last three words were barely more than a whisper.

It taook a moment for Shepard to recover from the shock. He finally looked toward Garrus and Liara. Both of them were staring intently at him. "Okay. Umm. Regroup. We're coming to you." He started off again toward Kaidan's location.

James was being dragged along. The assault trooper had to knock him out to get him to move. Now, he was left dragging the man's unconscious body down the corridor.

"I said not to hurt him." The feminine voice sounded from a side room.

The trooper dragged James into the room, dropping him on the floor. "It was this or get killed.

The woman snorted, then crouched near James. "Fortunately, I don't think you did any permanent damage.

The trooper shrugged. "He's a grunt. Don't know why you wanted him."

The woman stood up. "He's Commander Shepard's husband."

The trooper looked down at James, then back at the woman. "Right, so, all you wanted to do was piss off Shepard?"

"Not quite. He's the only one who can get Shepard to listen."

James started to drift back, though with the voices around him, he decided to stay still.

"He's not going to side with us again." The trooper went to a console and pointed out a surveillance camera. "In case you hadn't noticed, he's out there right now, trying to figure out how to get in here to kill all of us and rescue that one."

The woman shook her head. "He won't act just yet. James means too much to him."

James recognised that voice. The accent was so familiar, but he couldn't quite put a name to her.

"He's never negotiated before. He's not going to start now."

"He'll listen to James. I don't have to convince Shepard of anything. I just have to convince James."

James opened his eyes then, looking up at the woman. "Miranda Lawson?" He winced as he tried to sit up, rubbing the back of his head. "What the..."

Miranda looked at James. "We don't have much time."

James frowned, blinking up at Miranda. "Shepard's gonna tear you to pieces. You know that right?"

The trooper sighed. "I told you so."

Miranda crouched next to James. "I sincerely hope not."

James scooted away from her, trying to stand up, falling on his ass twice before making it upright. "Yeah? Why not? Give me a good reason not to tell him to come here and take you out. He trusted you once."

Miranda shook her head and sighed. "James, Shepard is dying."

James could only stare at Miranda in shock and horror. He shook his head several times before managing to form just a single word. "What?"

Miranda sighed. "It's simple. The neural implant controlled the rest of his implants. When that one was fried, it caused a cascade failure. The rest, of course, were fried as well, but the neural implant was the most important one."

James shook his head again. "But he's getting better."

Miranda leaned up against a console. "James, he's getting worse. Kelly forwarded me a scan she took of him just a few days ago." She tapped the console and two scans were displayed. She pointed to one. "Just after he regained consciousness." She points at the other. "Four days ago." She taps the console again and the two scans overlay each other. "The scan from four days ago is showing neural degradation. He may seem to be getting better, but if the implants are not replaced, he'll be dead in six months."

James tried to make sense of what he was seeing. He didn't know when the trooper had put a chair behind him, but he was glad it was there. He fell back into it while trying to breathe. He looked at Miranda, but couldn't respond.

"James, you have to talk to him. All of this was set up to get the two of you here. We needed to get you to understand this so you could convince him. He's not going to trust me right away. Kelly said he didn't remember me." Miranda crouched in front of the chair. "You, however, he trusts implicitly."

The trooper cleared his throat. "They're about ready to blow the door open."

James just looked at Miranda for a moment before nodding. He placed two fingers next to his ear. "Caleb, it's me. Stop what you're doing. I'm fine. Garrus, Tali, Miranda is here."

Shepard's voice came through, clearly panicked. "Jimmy? Are you sure you're okay?"

Garrus cut Shepard off. "What's Miranda doing here?"

James responded. "I'm fine, Caleb. Trust me. No one is gonna shoot at you. They're gonna unlock the door and bring you in. Garrus, ask her that. Okay? I don't quite understand it all. Too technical for me."

Miranda nodded to the trooper who went off to do as James said. "Thank you, James."

James just nodded, still in a state of shock. He just waited quietly.

The trooper entered the room first, Shepard right behind him with his Wraith pointed at the troopers back. When Shepard saw James, he lowered the Wraith and went to his side, crouching by the chair. "Jimmy?"

Kaidan joined Shepard and James, running a quick scan on James for injuries or drugs. He shook his head at Shepard. "Slight concussion, but otherwise fine."

The trooper shrugged. "He wasn't cooperating. I had to knock him out."

Shepard stood up and rounded on the trooper, shoving him up against the wall. "You son of a bitch." He growled out. "I ought to kill you right now and be done with it."

"Caleb." James shook his head. "Don't. I'm okay." He stood up and walked over, resting a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

Shepard let the trooper go, then turned to James. "What the fuck is going on?"

Liara was studying the images on the console. "I think it's pretty clear by these."

Shepard looked at Liara. "What?" He walked over to look, a wary glance toward Miranda.

Kaidan went to look as well. "Holy..." He looked at Shepard, shock widening his eyes.

"What?" Shepard demanded. He looked at Miranda. "You're familiar and I know that I know you and trust you. What the fuck is going on?"

Miranda pointed at the console. She decided to go for blunt. "According to those scans, you have approximately six months left to live."

If Shepard hadn't been the biggest badass the galaxy had ever seen, he would have fainted. Instead, he opted for a raised eyebrow and a blank stare. "Come again?"

Miranda nodded. "Your cybernetic implants were all fried. You're going through neural degradation. While you seem to be getting better right now, you'll eventually start to experience all kinds of problems. Losing your memory was normal for a neural implant failure. However, that implant controlled all the others." James saw the signs of a memory hitting hard before anyone else and was there to catch Shepard as he did pass out this time.

Miranda just shook her head. "He didn't remember about the implants, did he?" It wasn't a question. No one answered.

Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus helped James get Shepard to another room with a bed. Tali tagged along since she didn't know what else to do. Four people carrying Shepard was more than enough.

When Shepard regained consciousness, he was staring up at five concerned faces. He just groaned and started to sit up. Miranda and James both pushed him back down.

"Stay down, _mi corazón_." James frowned down at Shepard. "You do not need to get up yet."

Miranda moved away from Shepard, letting Kaidan get in closer instead. "Shepard, your implants have to be replaced. I can do it or I can give the replacement parts to you and someone else can do it." Her tone was clear that she didn't trust anyone else to do it right.

Shepard looked up at James and saw the worry there. He ran his fingertips over the creases in James' forehead. He didn't even look at Kaidan, who was touching his shoulder lightly.

James leaned down and whispered in Shepard's ear. "Please,  _mi corazón_ , I can't do this without you." He felt the answering nod.

"Okay." Shepard looked over at Miranda. "You did this before, so you should do it again." This time, he looked up at Kaidan and managed a small smile. He understood Kaidan's silent plea. "I'll be fine."

Kaidan nodded and looked over at James. There was none of the old rivalry between them when their eyes met. They were both worried about Shepard and neither of them wanted to live in a world without him.

Miranda nodded to Shepard, then looked to the others. "If you don't have medical training, get out." She approached Shepard and looked down at him. "Thank you." She smiled at him, then watched the others leave. Kaidan, however, stayed behind. Miranda had expected this.

Liara and Garrus had to threaten to knock James out in order to get him to rest. When they had called up to the Normandy, Dr. Chakwas came down to assist Miranda. Kaidan was giving them regular updates. So far, five implants had been replaced. It wasn't a simple replace and activate. It was far more complicated. The implants had to be calibrated to the neural implant. That one had to be the last one replaced.

It took fifteen hours to complete. When it was over, Miranda came out to find James. "You can see him, but he's still unconscious." She smiled faintly as James tore past her running for Shepard.

Shepard woke an hour later, his hand in James' larger one. He looked down and smiled at the sight of James asleep with his head near Shepard's hip. He slipped his hand out of James' hand and rested it on James' head, running fingers through the short hair. James muttered something, but didn't wake up.

Liara came in to check on Shepard and smiled when she realised he was awake. "We tried to get him to sleep. I think he managed maybe two hours. Sorry."

Shepard shook his head slightly. "It's okay. He can be stubborn when it comes to me."

Liara nodded. "How much do you remember?"

Shepard smiled. "Everything. I remember everything." He looked down at James, then sighed, the smile fading. "Including how much I hurt him when I couldn't remember anything."

Liara shook her head and moved to Shepard's side. "That wasn't your fault." She took his free hand. "If you ever feel like it is, just remember that he loved you so much that he stood by your side even when you didn't remember him."

Shepard nodded and winced. "Yeah, I know." He looked up at Liara. "Thanks." He clasped her hand tightly for a moment, then let go. "I remember falling in love with him all over again too." He looked down at James, then back at Liara. "For the first time, I really feel like things will be okay."

James smiled softly. "Yeah,  _mi corazón_ , they will." He opened his eyes. "And yeah, I've been awake since you started petting me."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "I'm not petting you." He said fondly, still running his fingers over James' hair.

James made his best purring sound. "Yeah, well, could have fooled me. Soon as you're better, we're gonna go home. We'll figure out what to do from there."

Shepard smiled at James. "Sounds good.  _Te amo_ , Jimmy Vega-Shepard."

James moved then, kissing Shepard lightly, then whispering against his lips. " _Te amo_ , Caleb Shepard."

 

**Author's Note:**

> The song is Te Amo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf601ElTttw


End file.
